Countless millions of shattered families began with wrong dating habits. These habits made proper courtship impossible. And the results have been tragic. The almost universal effects of modern dating demonstrate widespread ignorance, even on the most basic points of right dating. Almost no one understands the real purpose of dating or of the courtship that can ensue. The next step, achieving a happy marriage, then also becomes impossible. There is a right way to date! What is it? And there are right and wrong people to date. How can you know the difference? It is time to unlearn the wrong principles, acquired from society—and to learn and apply God's true principles, leading to happy marriages and families! Presenting God's perspective, this book reveals those principles.
· INTRODUCTION
· Chapter One – DATING TODAY
· Chapter Two – A FATAL MIXTURE
· Chapter Three – LUST AND INFATUATION—THE WRONG FOUNDATION
· Chapter Four – ESTABLISHING THE RIGHT FOUNDATION
· Chapter Five – TRUE LOVE—AND HOW IT RELATES TO DATING
· Chapter Six – THE PURPOSE OF DATING
· Chapter Seven – THE ART OF DATING
· Chapter Eight – ADVANCING TO COURTSHIP
· Conclusion – NOW THAT YOU ARE ENGAGED
The world is ignorant of almost every right value that produces the right results all people seek. While everyone wants to be happy—and assumes that following the established norm is the right way to achieve happiness—most remain miserable and never know why. This is especially true in the world of modern dating.
Dating, followed by courtship, is supposed to lead to a happy marriage. But marriage cannot be happy if it is not built on the right foundation. Most couples have no idea that the foundation of a successful marriage begins long before the wedding day. In addition, a direct by-product of the wrong foundation is that most people have no idea how to select the right mate.
Just what is dating? A sampling of opinions reveals a variety of definitions, with seemingly no two alike. In the simplest form, a date is merely a set time agreed upon by two people to engage in an activity. The most commonly recognized definition is “an appointment for a specified time; especially a social engagement between two persons of opposite sex” (Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary).
What about courtship? Most know little or nothing of this lost art, and many no longer know—let alone use—the term. Those few who do, know virtually nothing about the principles of courtship—or its true purpose. As a result, if two people are “dating,” this could mean they have dated only twice, yet have become interested in pursuing marriage. Even if both were serious, and technically courting from this point (this is often the case today after just two dates), most would still refer to this as dating.
In fact, there is no common understanding of just what dating and courtship are, or the plain difference between the two—and there is a big difference!
Also, because it sounds too “official” and “old-fashioned,” teenagers today rarely even use the term “dating.” The idea of a date—when a man formally asks a woman, for instance, if she would accept an engagement for dinner—is nearly non-existent. Many simply slip or tumble into dating situations, seemingly not caring how this happens, or even what happens. Instead, they seem more concerned with “going with the flow.”
Understand that the situations addressed in this book, and the guidelines presented, sometimes apply to both genders. Where issues overlap, it is not written from either perspective, but from the perspective of God's Word, with the goal of teaching both how to better relate to each other. However, to avoid extra words, ambiguity and awkwardness in sentence structure, the author has chosen to occasionally alternate between masculine and feminine pronouns. This does not mean that many of the questions seeming to address only one gender cannot be applied by the other.
Yet, you should care! Too much is at stake not to. There are many important principles behind dating that one must consider in order to successfully date—and be able to eventually move on to the more serious courtship and pursuit of marriage. You must have a means of knowing if or when you have found that special person. There are specific processes involved in proper dating that will help lead you down the right path.
When was the last time you either heard or used the word “courting”? Again, this term is very rarely used in society today, and most do not have any idea what it really means. Webster's states that courting is “to engage in social activities leading to engagement and marriage.” Most would reply, “But isn't that dating?” The answer is no. Courting is a separate but important and intricate part of the process pointing toward and leading to marriage. Therefore, you must also come to understand and apply the right way to court.
And then there are those who may want to date, court and marry for the second time. Of course, some lose a spouse to death. Many others, having already established a pattern of marital failure, hope to do better “the second time around.” But no one is telling them how to do better. Wounded, and perhaps feeling burned, many stumble into a “rebound” relationship, often choosing the exact same kind of person they just left behind! These people need guidance as well, and this book offers it.
There are many manuals available, written from the human perspective, on how to date, court and find a mate. And there seems to be no end of sociologists, psychologists, marriage counselors and others considered to be experts, who are only too willing to offer what are no more than the opinions of people. This book does not merely present my perspective—my view—of the subject. That would be of no more worth than so many others.
Consider the intensifying debate about the status and legal recognition of same-sex couples. The United States and other Western countries are caught in the middle of a conflict—an outright war—over whether homosexual partners should be granted marriage licenses. In America, civil unions have already been permitted for some time in certain states. As the battle lines continue to form, the U.S. President and his allies are pursuing a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriages. Frustrated that “the courts are defining marriage” for the whole country, he stated that “marriage should be defined by the people.”
But is this true? Is it really “the people” who have devised the institution of marriage? Should “the people” decide who and what constitutes a marriage? If so, then is it also human beings who should define the traditional means of selecting a mate pursuant to this goal?
The answer to all these questions is an emphatic “NO!”
Let's be clear. While religionists and theologians assume that this is God's world, it is not! Let me repeat, this is not God's world—it does not reflect His Way. Its customs, beliefs, values, philosophies, traditions and practices are not of God. But God is calling—and working with—a small number of people, whom He is training for a very special purpose. Who and how one chooses to date, which can lead to courtship and marriage, is inseparable from this purpose.
This book is far more than another manual containing dating “tips” or “helpful hints.” What you will read here reveals what God has to say on the matter. What people may say or do—and the “will of the people”—is irrelevant and usually just plain wrong! It is God's perspective—His view—that offers the way to everything good in life.
God intends that every human being enjoy a happy marriage. This is directly tied to whom and how one dates—and courts—prior to marriage!
In order to fully grasp the many principles that apply to dating, courtship, engagement and marriage, much foundation must first be laid. Be patient with the need to establish the right framework. It is essential to appreciating—to truly comprehending—all that follows. The reader makes a big mistake by skipping over or skimming through any early portions of this book in search of “specifics” describing what should happen on a date. If this is your interest—if you are merely looking for “keys,” “tips” or “good ideas”—this book is not for you. While it does contain, later in the book, a great many specific points for application, these latter chapters simply cannot be properly applied without first understanding the vital backdrop of the preceding chapters.
A word to parents and teens: Parents, this book can be absolutely invaluable to you in training and preparing your children throughout the years preceding the eligible age of marriage—if you use it! Teenagers, this book will also guide you—and will protect you from endless, and usually unseen, traps and pitfalls. Read it. Study it. Adhere to it. You will be enormously glad you did!
All About DATING and COURTSHIP is truly different, and applying its contents could change your life forever!
Why do you need to learn more about dating and courting? Is this not something people just pick up from others and “learn as they go”? Is there a right and wrong way of dating or, like learning to walk or ride a bike, can people just naturally figure it out as they experience it?
The cold, hard facts are that today's standards of dating, courting and engagement are wrong—all wrong!
But how can I say this? All you need do is look at the astonishing array of ill effects to realize that the dating and courtship practiced today are far off-track. But, before we address this, the principle of cause and effect must be explained.
Most people live their entire existence completely unaware of why things either “go right” or “go wrong.” They seem unable to grasp that what they do, or do not do, has a direct effect on their lives. Most do not recognize that for every cause there is an effect—or, conversely, for every effect there is a cause. Nor do they know that this is a law. Scientists recognize this in physics, but society is unaware that the same is true in life—that the law of cause and effect is no less immutable than any law of science.
Let's reason together, considering a few basic points. How does the law of cause and effect work in one's life? Some simple examples:
If you routinely eat too much, what happens? You will become sick or overweight—or both! There is no mystery to this.
If you drink too much alcohol, you will become intoxicated. This could lead to a long list of bad effects: A next-day headache, being arrested, or even an auto accident resulting in injury or death to yourself or others. Again, there is no mystery here.
If you break society's laws, the effect is that you might go to jail or prison. This will hurt your family, your career opportunities and your entire future. Once again, no mystery to this.
In this fashion, the law of cause and effect directly impacts your life—and the life of everyone on earth. The ways that this happens are endless.
Let's go further. If industry pollutes the environment, the result is contaminated air or water, or even the much-debated problem of global warming. If countries go to war, the results—the effects—are economic upheaval, disease, famine and general misery for all involved. If parents neglect the proper rearing of their children, or if children do not obey their parents, the effects could be poor performance in school, drug addiction, criminal conduct or worse.
Of course, none of this is hard to understand.
God's way of life—including the principles of right dating, courtship and engagement—is also based on the law of cause and effect. The Bible contains hundreds of laws and principles, each carrying the power of cause and effect for those who keep—or break—them!
Whether one identifies and knows all the laws and principles of the Bible is not relevant to whether breaking them will bring certain punishment. Just as speeding can result in a ticket, whether the driver knew the speed limit or not, so those who break the laws of God reap penalties, whether they know they are violating specific laws or not.
Look at the world around you. It is littered with broken families, unhappy marriages, single-parent homes, STDs, astonishing ignorance and widespread misery. Have you ever asked why? WHY has mankind never been able to solve these and other great problems? Why do they only grow worse with the passing of time? Because the laws and principles of God are being routinely broken by earth's billions of human inhabitants.
The Being who wrote the Bible states that His great Law, the Ten Commandments, is “holy, just, good and spiritual” (Rom. 7:12, 14). Again, consider the basic understanding of cause and effect. When God's laws and principles are obeyed, they bring countless blessings, benefits and good things into the lives of those who obey them. But mankind has routinely rejected—and even lampooned—the instruction book that reveals the cause of all its problems, evils and ills.
So how does the law of cause and effect apply to dating and courtship? Where do these practices lead? The answer is simple. Dating, and the courtship that may ensue, are the precursors to relationships—and ultimately marriages. The effect—successful or failed marriages—is what results from either right or wrong forms of dating and courtship.
The cause-and-effect principle goes both ways. For every cause, there is a resulting effect, and for every effect, there is a traceable cause! So, let's look at the effects of modern dating. We could ask: Are they good?
To determine whether the dating practiced today is correct, we should first examine its fruits. In other words, we must analyze the effects of dating today. If the effects are bad or rotten, then we should be able to admit that something is wrong, possibly very wrong, with the cause—the ways that people in society practice dating, courtship and even engagement.
Therefore, it is essential to examine the overall state of the marriage institution. If dating and courtship are being done properly, we should expect the general condition of marriage throughout society today to be healthy.
Greater numbers of people are questioning the institution of marriage every day. Many are concerned with the direction of current trends. Some ponder whether marriage can even survive. Still others get married on their own terms or only on a “trial basis.” Millions simply live together, unmarried—and ever-greater numbers now cohabitate in “same-sex” partnerships.
All of this would have been unthinkable just 50 years ago. Virtually everyone back then planned and expected to “grow up, get married and have children.” And marriage was for life! Entire communities—and nations—functioned on this premise!
If dating and courtship were practiced correctly today, they would form the foundation of a beautiful relationship between a husband and wife as God ordained it. The two would spend a lifetime together enjoying much happiness and joy. This God-plane relationship would include expanding the family to children who would experience more productive and abundant lives, because their home and family would provide a strong, positive environment, capable of nurturing them to adulthood and into their own successful marriages with children. Parents would teach children all they need to know, and the process would continue through successive generations.
Does this sound like a fairytale—a children's bedtime story? Today it does! This is because modern society is shot full of wrong education, misinformation, hollow opinions, pop psychology, ignorance, bad advice—or no advice—all of which virtually prevents young people from having any hope for true happiness in marriage.
The following are revealing statistics, trends and facts derived from census data, and what sociologists, psychologists, marriage planners/counselors and others report. While shocking, this is only the briefest thumbnail—a very tiny sampling—of all that could have been included. Take the time to consider the enormous implications of these statistics. Make them personal, and imagine the individual lives behind them:
• 50% of married women and 66% of married men in the U.S. commit adultery (combined, these statistics indicate that five out of six marriages—over 80%—involve at least one adulterous partner).
• Divorces per 1,000 marriages: 1969—140; 1990—380 (up 171%); 1996—451 (up 222% since 1969).
• Compared to first marriages, remarriages are 50% more likely to end in divorce during the first five years, and tend to be unstable, break up more often, and more quickly (Statistics Canada).
• Divorced status in America is the fastest growing marital category. Between 1970 and 1996, the number of divorcees more than quadrupled, going from 4.3 million to 18.3 million.
• The National Institute for Healthcare Research says that divorce now ranks as the number one factor linked with suicide in major U.S. cities, ranking above all other physical, financial, and psychological factors.
• More than 50% of people in their 20s, interviewed in a Gallup survey, agreed to the statement, “One sees so few good or happy marriages today that one questions it as a way of life.” Among single young adults, more than half stated that one of their biggest concerns about marriage is “the possibility that it will end in divorce.” Incredible!
About half of all marriages fail! How can this be? Try to imagine the pain, suffering and frustration that so many experience. Is there a reason for all of this? Is it merely because many people just cannot get along? Most have no idea—no realization—that if they follow the correct way—God's way—they could avoid all this misery and unhappiness!
But divorce is not the only sad and shocking effect of wrong dating and courtship. Improper dating and courtship practices carry the side effect of leading the large and growing ranks of wounded, jaded, cynical people to decide to just live together—or, more accurately, share a bed together—instead of committing to marriage.
Consider just these statistics from Britain: In 1972, there were 480,000 couples who chose to marry. By 2001, less than three decades later, only 286,000 weddings took place, even though the population had grown by seven percent. Just since 1986, the number of women choosing to cohabitate has more than doubled, going from 13 percent to 28 percent. The figures for men are only slightly lower.
All of this describes a world in revolt against the institution of marriage!
Cohabitation is not the only bad side effect resulting from divorce. It is important to stop and look at the children—the most painful fruits—of these failed marriages. Again, you will be shocked by the far-reaching implications of the telling statistics below, describing the United States, and reflecting the disintegrating fabric of what is considered the most powerful nation in the world:
• 75% of children of divorced couples also end up going through divorce.
• The school dropout rate among children from divorced families is twice that of children from intact families.
• Among teenage and adult females, parental divorce is linked to daughters' lower self-esteem, earlier sexual activity, greater delinquency, and difficulty establishing fulfilling, lasting adult heterosexual relationships. Yet, their parents' divorce usually occurred years before any difficulties were observed.
• 50% of children today will spend at least part of their childhood in single-parent homes.
• In 2000, 33% of babies were born to unmarried women, compared to only 3.8% in 1940. (More than 1/3 of children never experience a married home!)
• The high divorce rate directly affects one million children every year.
• In a recent survey, 62% of men agreed that “while it may not be ideal, it's okay for an adult woman to have a child on her own if she has not found the right man to marry.”
• Studies show that children from broken families are twice as likely to have emotional and physical health problems. Again, these are also more likely to suffer from low self-esteem, with this leading to difficulties in friendships.
Many children today are victims of their parents' ignorance of the correct way to date and court. If their parents had only taken the time to study God's principles on the subject, these children would not suffer in the way that they do—both during childhood and later in their own unhappy marriages.
Will your children, or future children, be statistics? Will they suffer in uncounted ways? Will you wait until you experience all the wrong effects of improperly dating, courting and preparing for marriage before addressing the gaping wounds you and your children will experience? Or will you deal with the cause now—before it is too late?
Let's return to the subject of unmarried couples who live together. Over half of all first marriages today are preceded by cohabitation, compared to virtually none early in the twentieth century, just 100 years ago.
Young adults now so often postpone marriage until their late 20s to early 30s. While most men and women are choosing to establish themselves in jobs and careers before marriage (which can be good), they also most often spend a long period unmarried but sexually active. This newer phenomenon has been described as “sex without strings, relationships without rings.”
Yet, looking at destroyed marriages, wounded children and broken families does not paint the full picture of the effects of wrong dating habits today. Sadly, dating today directly leads—almost universally—to premarital sex. “Leads to” is probably not even the right term, because “dates” today often involve sex on the first date! Actually, more often than not, sex is the expected norm as part of the first date, and most of the “dates” that follow. Millions do this.
So many, blinded by pure lust, are committing fornication as a veritable way of life! Surrounded by illicit sex on every side, and often guided solely by their hormones—and what the dating partner almost certainly expects—rather than by what is right, couples routinely commit every kind of sexual sin imaginable. And many do this without the slightest pang of conscience giving them pause. Within minutes, often induced by a variety of drugs, alcohol and an unwholesome environment, young people unconsciously reject the possibility of a healthy, fulfilling, God-ordained and designed wonderful relationship of husband and wife. Instead, they choose to dive into mindless, instant gratification, giving little or no consideration for the devastating long-term effects they will surely experience.
One shocking previous statistic brings this trend to the forefront: One-third of all children in the United States today are born out of wedlock! Think what this means! One out of every three children now begins life without a proper family and lacking the environment that the Almighty Creator designed and intended.
Breaking this down, we can begin to understand the compounding trouble afflicting most families today. What happens to all those in our generation who have lost even the most basic knowledge of how to have a happy, abundant marriage? What will happen another generation from now? What will happen to today's children's children?
While statistics reveal that teenagers from intact families are less likely to be sexually active, adolescents from broken families are twice as likely to have children out of wedlock. Also, as mentioned, 75 percent of children who have suffered through their parents' divorce will experience it themselves. In other words, the choices people make now regarding dating and courtship may well lead to divorce, which, in turn, could destroy the marriages of their children, and their children's children, in an endless and worsening cycle. The effects of dating habits yesterday have caused horrible conditions in countless lives today, and the trend can only grow worse for greater numbers tomorrow!
Relationship destruction spreads like an infection, like a cancer, making it easier for others to follow bad examples and take the easy way out themselves. The tragic end result is that divorce and ruined lives breed more divorce and more ruined lives. On the present path, this worsening trend would continue until the marriage institution and the entire concept of traditional families are irreversibly destroyed—except that God will soon intervene in the affairs of mankind and cut short the downward spiral before such extinction is permitted to happen!
Vast numbers of marriages have needlessly failed. This has been because couples were not taught in advance how to carefully select someone who could be a real companion—and a truly compatible partner—for life. Divorce resulted simply because there never should have been a marriage in the first place. Of course, many other marriages fail because couples who could have otherwise succeeded simply did not know how to make their marriage work—a very different problem, and one largely outside the parameters of this book. But no marriage can reach its full and wonderful potential, and could possibly even fail altogether, if singles either do not know what to look for in a prospective mate, or even that they should be thoroughly examining those whom they are dating seriously.
When most people carefully look at the effects we have discussed, they will admit that they are real—and that something is terribly wrong! Tragically, these same people often remain unwilling to believe that all these bad effects could have resulted from wrong causes! Will you examine these causes? Will you come to understand and accept the principles of proper dating, courtship and engagement?
Before these things can be discussed—and we will do this in great detail in later chapters—we must carefully lay the all-important foundation, so crucial to truly comprehend all that you will only then be prepared to learn.
Today's dating practices are almost entirely wrong. However, before we can understand how they are wrong, we must ask why this confused state of affairs. Why are so many people unable to correctly date, court, and reap the benefits of a happy marriage and family life? To fully grasp why the masses do not follow sound principles of dating and courtship, we must learn the underpinnings of society as a whole. The big picture must be examined.
To do this, we must go back to the beginning.
Almost 6,000 years ago, the first man and woman were created. These two—Adam and Eve—were history's very first husband and wife, and lived in the Garden of Eden. As Chief Designer of marriage, God also explained this relationship to them, and the laws that govern it. He called it “very good.”
Touching on the high points, a summary of this account is found in the earliest chapters of Genesis. What is clear is that God taught this first couple His Way—the way that would bring peace, supreme happiness, abundance, prosperity and all the good things of life.
Yet, because of His infinite Purpose, God created these first human beings as free moral agents. Adam and Eve had the power to choose. God did not force His way of life on them, but rather taught them the right way, leaving the choice to them as to what they would do.
Genesis 3 records what happened in the garden with Satan tempting Eve. This account demonstrates the devil's cunning subtlety as he tried to discredit God and appeal to Adam and Eve's vanity.
There were two special trees in the garden. First was the “Tree of Life,” representing God's Way. Adam and Eve were instructed to eat as much from this tree as they wished. There was also the “tree of the knowledge of good and evil.” This first married couple was expressly forbidden to eat of the fruit of that tree. God told them that in the day they ate that fruit, they would “surely die.”
Understand. God—and God alone—decides what sin is. Man was not given the authority to decide what sin is but rather only whether he would sin.
Adam and Eve had a clear choice! Through Satan's subtlety and their rebellion, they rejected God and took of the forbidden fruit. They rejected God's perfect Law and rule—His government over all creation—and were taken captive by Satan and his way of sin. Because of sin, they no longer had access to God's blessings, guidance, protection or the free gift of His Holy Spirit, which they could have acquired by eating of the Tree of Life.
From that day forward, mankind has been cut off from God, having rejected God and His ways (Isa. 59:1-2). this is why mankind does not—cannot—know the truth about the purpose behind right dating and the purpose behind right courtship. He has chosen his own path—a mixture of good and evil—and the fruit of his choice is literally a “mix,” with some marriages working somewhat, others constantly riding the rollercoaster of extremes, and many not working at all. Therefore, all but a select few couples lack the supreme happiness and joy that God intended for every marriage!
Any mixture of good and evil is always fatal! If one mixes even a small amount of arsenic or cyanide into a cake, it will still just as surely kill those who eat it. However, a truer analogy here is that humanity is ingesting a veritable “ricin” (a poison 6,000 times more deadly than cyanide) of wrong thinking!
Most assume that this world belongs to and is guided by God—that civilization as a whole is being supervised by Him. Is this true? We must ask, who is the real ruler over this world? Once this has been established, we will have identified the true author behind today's dating practices. In other words, to coin a phrase from a well-known song of several decades ago, we should ask, “Who wrote the book of love” so popularly followed by this world's masses?
It is critical to understand Satan's role! The serpent deceived Eve, starting mankind down the path away from God and His Law. By choosing the forbidden fruit, Adam and Eve handed themselves and their descendants to the serpent's thinking.
Open your Bible and read these plain verses. The devil is the “god of this world” and he has “blinded the minds” of everyone in it (II Cor. 4:4). Satan is also called the “prince of this world” (John 12:31; 14:30; 16:11) and “prince of the power of the air” (Eph. 2:2). The apostle John added that Satan “deceives the whole world” (Rev. 12:9). Astonishing, but true—and most will never accept this statement, or that it could apply to themselves, much less that it could have any bearing on their dating practices.
Isaiah 14:12-15 tells a remarkable story containing many clues about where Lucifer (who later became Satan) once resided, what he did, and what happened to him: “How are you fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! How are you cut down to the ground, which did weaken the nations! For you have said in your heart, I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God: I will sit also upon the mount of the congregation, in the sides of the north: I will ascend above the heights of the clouds: I will be like the Most High. Yet you shall be brought down to hell [the “grave” – verses 9 and 11], to the sides of the pit.”
Ezekiel 28:12-17 parallels and reinforces Isaiah 14 and is equally important to understand. This account describes one whom some scholars claim was a human “king of Tyrus.” However, careful reading shows this is impossible—and even ridiculous.
This passage speaks of one who “seals up the sum, full of wisdom, perfect in beauty,” who had also “been in Eden the garden of God.” No human has ever been perfect, and the devil was the serpent who beguiled Eve in the Garden. Verse 13 states, “you were created.” Satan is a created being. Verse 14 calls him “the cherub that covers.” (Exodus 25:17-20 describes the two remaining faithful “cherubs that cover[ed]” God's throne in the Old Testament tabernacle. Their wings covered the “mercy seat.”) No earthly king could ever fit this description.
The latter part of Ezekiel 28:14 states that this “king” was “in the mountain of God” and “walked…in the midst of the stones of fire.” This describes the area around God's throne. Verse 15 says, “Iniquity [lawlessness] was found in you” and verse 16 refers to it as “sin.”
Verse 16 also describes this cherub as having been “cast…out of” heaven. God also said He would “destroy” (Hebrew: expel) Lucifer from heaven. Verse 17 reveals that his “heart was lifted up because of [his] beauty” and that his wisdom was “corrupted…by reason of [his] brightness.” The verse ends with God “casting him down to the ground,” where the kings of the earth would “behold him.”
Lucifer was a brilliant being, an “angel of light”—as are “his ministers” today (II Cor. 11:13-15). The word Lucifer actually means “the light bringer.” This brilliant, wise, perfect being once brought great light to all that were around him. But he rebelled and sinned—thus becoming the “prince of darkness.” His rebellion turned him into a twisted, perverted, fallen angel. While of great intelligence, he has literally become insane—a being who no longer knows right from wrong!
Yet he is still the one in charge of—in control of—this world!
A lengthy passage in the New Testament offers more insight to the devil's authority and influence over the nations of earth. Matthew 4 contains the well-known account of Christ's confrontation with the devil after fasting forty days. The devil repeatedly tempted Christ by twisting scripture (one of his favorite devices). At one point, “the devil took Him up into an exceeding high mountain, and showed Him all the kingdoms of the world, and the glory of them; and said unto Him, All these things will I give You, if You will fall down and worship me” (vs. 8-9). In a moment, we will see that this stunning event reveals more than meets the eye! Notice that Christ rebuked Satan (vs. 10) and quoted Deuteronomy 6:13: “You shall worship the Lord your God, and Him only shall you serve.” At this point, the temptation ended and the devil departed.
Also notice! At no point did Christ say, “These kingdoms are NOT yours to give” or “Who do you think you are, trying to offer Me what is already Mine (God's)?” Christ said no such thing. Why? Because He knew that the kingdoms (governments) of this world are the devil's kingdoms. Christ clearly knew that they were Satan's to give. Therefore, He rejected the terms for receiving them from the one—Satan—who had the authority to offer them.
Stop and consider the implications here. This world's nations and governments, with “all the glory of them,” are still under the control of the “god of this world”—the “prince of this world.” This is the plain truth from your Bible! This world, with its ways and systems, is under the control of the devil! And this has a direct influence on—an overarching connection to—why the world cannot, of itself, ever come to the right knowledge about dating, courtship and marriage—and why this world's religions and educational institutions have failed so abysmally in teaching these things.
As mentioned, Satan “deceives the whole world” (Rev. 12:9). That's right—“the whole world.” This is a staggering statement—but there it is in your Bible.
How can the devil deceive over six billion people? Verse 9 concludes, “He was cast out into the earth, and his angels were cast out with him.” Notice that it says, “his angels.” These beings are referred to as demons. They assist Satan in his work of mass deception.
And if Satan has deceived the entire world, then it is not God's world. It has to be one or the other! Since the whole world is deceived—and since “the whole world lies in wickedness” (I John 5:19)—it becomes clear why it is cut off from God. Deceived people practice lives filled with sin. (Recall Isaiah 59:1-2.) For our purposes here, continue to view these passages in relation to the process of how people are influenced to date, court and select marriage partners.
No one enjoys being told that they are deceived, and no one enjoys hearing that they are ignorant of God's Purpose. These statements wound human pride, but not as much as remaining in deception wounds those who permit this.
If one cannot accept Revelation 12:9 as coming directly from the mind of God, any hope of breaking free of this awful deception will be lost! Such people will have chosen to remain under their captor for the remainder of the age. (If you doubt the Bible as the inspired Word of God, read our booklet BIBLE AUTHORITY…can it be proven? and take the time to prove its authority to yourself. This Book is the most misrepresented, misinterpreted, misunderstood book of all time. Yet, it can be proven to be the plain Word of God!)
Now consider the following vital scripture. Ephesians 2:2 speaks of the devil when it says, “…according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that now works in the children of disobedience.”
This is a fascinating passage, with the thought continuing at the end of verse 3. The apostle Paul tells the Ephesian brethren that at one time, they “were by nature the children of wrath.” Who are the “children of wrath”—also called the “children of disobedience” in Ephesians 5:6? How do they relate to the phrase, “prince of the power of the air”?
Again notice Ephesians 2:2. It says that Satan's “spirit…works in the children of disobedience.” Did you see that? He has “power” to use the “air” to broadcast, through his spirit, an attitude of disobedience! He sends moods, feelings, attitudes and pulls of the flesh into people's minds, and this broadcast “works” within people's minds and thinking. This “air power” gives the devil tremendous influence, allowing him to send thoughts of confusion, deceit, anger, pride, hate, foolishness, vanity, jealousy, lust, greed, envy, rebellion and much more directly into people's thinking!
Let's continue examining the devil's influence through the use of an analogy. In a manner of speaking, Satan owns the largest radio station on earth, broadcasting 24 hours a day, reaching and deceiving the entire world!
Are you beginning to see from where the preoccupation with merely dating for sex comes—why so many singles seem to have so little else on their minds?
At this point, some vital understanding is necessary before continuing. A Christian obeys God, through His Law. Paul recorded that God has a spiritual law (Rom. 7:14). Christians keep it. When they do, it “keeps them,” so to speak. But when people break God's Law, similarly, it “breaks them”!
In Acts 5:32, Peter referred to “the Holy Spirit, [which] God has given to them that obey Him.” Take time to turn to this verse and read it carefully. True Christians understand and practice—fulfill—its meaning. God's Holy Spirit is given upon repentance and baptism (Acts 2:38). This Spirit helps Christians obey the Ten Commandments!
There is a central aspect of Satan that has a direct bearing on dating and courtship.
Consider the design of all angels. The Bible explains that these beings do exist and that they are on a higher plane than men. God created man a “little lower than the angels” (Psa. 8:5).
Notice how Jesus spoke of how the future Sons of God will have a certain parallel to angels: “…they neither marry, nor are given in marriage…as the angels of God in heaven” (Matt. 22:30). Although angels invariably manifest themselves as men, they are neither male nor female, and are therefore without sex. The devil—a fallen angel—is also sexless. He has no ability to reproduce himself and is completely unable to experience the marriage and family relationship, including sexual relations, made available to human beings! He resents its great purpose and potential, offering men a “Son of God” status that he can never receive. He resents the marriage institution. It is therefore in his interest to twist and pervert the institutions of marriage and the family. This includes inspiring the growing acceptance of alternative unions and “marriages.”
In contrast, God has given human beings the marvelous ability to reproduce. In the correct atmosphere of a wholesome family, this brings unparalleled joy and happiness. And, as parents rear their children correctly, those children will grow up to be wonderful parents themselves.
Grasp this all-important truth. Satan can never experience the wonderful blessings that God has given to mankind. Hence, the catastrophic mess the family has become through his influence. Recall the awful statistics listed in Chapter One.
Brilliant in intelligence, Satan understands the law of cause and effect. He knows that to ultimately defeat the fulfillment of happy marriages and families—and to destroy the values of children and teens before they reach the age of marriage—he must begin at the cause. One way he does this is by attacking the foundation—right dating and courtship!
For 6,000 years, the devil has been relentless in guiding mankind off track. All that you see around you today—your community, your country and every institution within them—have faulty foundations.
You must come to accept that this is not God's world—that He is not the author of its governments, religions, cultures, education systems, family values, and “alternative lifestyles,” practiced by ever-increasing numbers. These are all humanly-devised institutions and ideas, created and developed by men under the sway of the devil. While some of these things are not completely evil, they are, at best, the mixture derived from the “tree of the knowledge of good and evil.”
Take a hard look at the world around you. Search your local newspaper. Visit the magazine section of any large bookstore. Scan through television channels. At best, most of what you will see is semi-lewd, and filled with an emphasis on physical beauty, excess, grossness of culture and driven by lust. These are the messages—and influences—that are competing for your attention, and the attention of young people moving toward the dating age. Recognizing them sets the stage for understanding their effect on the modern dating culture.
Further, the western world is drowning in communication devices such as mobile phones, pagers, handheld computers, e-mails—possessed by people who must be instantly, and continuously, linked to each other for fear of being “out of the loop” for even a moment.
Then there are those who, wanting to rebel against mainstream society, choose to wear “character” clothing outfits to “express themselves.” Today, large numbers of middle and upper class teens dress as though they are no more than hardened urban street thugs. It is as though they want to reflect a culture that is trapped in an endless cycle of poverty, violence and hopelessness.
Some who are “depressed” about growing up in a two-parent, middle-class family dress in black “Goth” styles, also wearing black and white makeup and black lipstick in the most garish fashion. Others fill their lives with endless parties, including parties after the parties, all the while pouring a virtual pharmacy of drugs—often on top of alcohol—into their systems. Seeing no hope or purpose in their lives, large and growing numbers live to “get high,” refusing to face the sober realities of life. Needless to say, the large majority of singles are left completely unprepared to choose lifelong mates or to understand what such relationships mean if they found one.
But let's continue. A visit to virtually any independent music store reveals another subculture of the modern world: A generation of youth full of pride and vanity, yet “pure in their own eyes” (Prov. 30:12). With hairstyles resembling everything from spikes to “lions' manes,” to unkempt, unwashed and undesirable, today's teens and twenty-somethings collect the latest “underground record.” Such lyrics set to noise could be rock, rap, punk or hip-hop, but to a young person, it does not matter—as long as his peers approve. So many idolize whatever is the most popular band to unleash crashing wails labeled as “music”—but more accurately described as howling shrieks emitted by people who must be in some kind of severe pain.
Also observe any music-award television show. Notice how so many in the audience wear tight-fitting, virtually painted-on outfits that are flashy and attention-getting. They reveal parts of the body that were meant to be concealed, and often make those wearing them look like aliens from outer space! Yet, almost an entire generation has come to consider such garish dress and outlandish behavior to be normal—even chic and fashionable.
Next, notice the way people walk, especially in the inner cities. They swagger as if to say, “Don't mess with me.” Full of haughtiness, arrogance and a kind of bravado, they are often covered in tattoos, body piercings and outrageous hairstyles. Worse, however, is that endless television commercials explicitly promote this culture by a daily bombardment of an entire generation of young people who are watching—and copying what they see. The almost endless—and outrageously crude—sexually suggestive beer commercials alone tell you this.
Then listen to how people speak. Even those with master's degrees curse and use slang words as though they have little more than a third-grade education. It is as though some have chosen to “dumb down” themselves to be accepted by people whose opinions never used to count. Others love to copy those who cannot form complete sentences without cursing or using God's name in vain.
Take a look at mainstream entertainment and media. So much of this is little more than what has been described as “what's hot, what's new, what's next”—the latest hit movie or sitcom. Today, entertainment means “how far can we go?” in pushing (or blurring) even past human boundaries of decency and good taste. Never mind what God thinks, or what His standards are. Most want more extramarital sex, more violence, more blurring of the lines between good and evil, less morality, less common sense, less decency, and the promotion of situational ethics instead of having to choose between right and wrong.
Desperate to show how sophisticated their tastes are, many embrace the world of independent films—a subculture of absolute sickness and depravity passing itself off as intellectually fashionable.
The music, dance, dress, language, books, plays, conduct and other trends that are underground and cutting edge today invariably become mainstream tomorrow. This drives the underground scene to be even more extreme, knowing that today's extreme is tomorrow's mainstream!
Across college campuses, and in high school and middle school hallways, the air is charged with sexual tension, mixed with peer pressure and bad judgment. Using a “band-aid” approach, adults turn a blind eye to the misadventures of the next generation, which is sexually active, jaded and always ready to move on to the next perversion, generally translated as the latest “trend.” Sadly, many are in awe of homosexuality and lesbianism, thinking these to be “cool,” and as something to experiment with. More and more early-teenage girls are adopting the trend of having a casual lesbian relationship with a school friend on the side, while simultaneously—and actively—remaining heterosexual.
So many have gone from periodically visiting the sewer to living in a cesspool—and the cycle of perversion will continue and grow worse, until this world mirrors the times of Noah and of Sodom and Gomorrah (Luke 17:26-30).
This is the world you live in—and it is trying to instill in you every wrong principle of dating and courtship. But Satan's world is not the only roadblock to a happy marriage.
Recall Satan's influence. Before the invention of radio, his power—as arch broadcaster and prince of the power of the air—could not be as easily understood. Now you can comprehend!
We can now better understand the “children of disobedience.” Like Christians, these people are also inspired and guided by a spirit—but that of the god of this world. Satan broadcasts a spirit of disobedience—through attitudes—into humanity. Ephesians 2:2 is plain. But a deceived world knows nothing of this understanding!
If you listen to radio, you usually select a station that plays what you desire to hear. Of course, today, people more often “surf” television stations. Eventually, something interests them, and they stop at a station of their choosing. In every case, stations are selected by choice. People have control over what they hear or watch.
It is not the same with Satan's “radio station.” No one decides to tune into the devil's broadcast. And no one ever sets out to be deceived! But every human being on earth is automatically tuned to Satan's wavelength! His wickedness, hostility, rebellion, deceit and selfishness are continuously “on the air.” Though you cannot see it, anymore than you can see radio waves or television signals, the air around you is literally charged and “crackles” with the power and energy of Satan's broadcast.
Therefore, it is really Satan's nature that is being labeled as human nature. In fact, once injected into people, the devil's nature becomes natural to them. It becomes their nature—now human nature!
It is critical to realize how this spirit works in people. It is the single greatest key to understanding exactly how Satan can deceive and manipulate almost six and one-half billion people.
Although we now understand that human nature comes from Satan, we must also understand that it is not inherited—but rather acquired! A parent who loses an eye, hand or leg does not produce children having only one eye, one hand or one leg. When God used one of Adam's ribs to create Eve, it did not mean that all men ever after would lack one rib. Also, the Bible refers to their son Abel as “righteous Abel.” Their disobedience did not prevent his obedience.
Adam and Eve were adult “babies.” Just like babies born today, they were pure at the time of their creation (“birth”) but were quickly exposed to a “broadcast” they were not able to resist. They were created on the sixth day of the week (Friday), rested on the Sabbath (Saturday), and were seduced by Satan (Gen. 3:1-6) probably the next day (Sunday)—at the age of two days old! Thus, Satan was waiting for “baby” Adam and “baby” Eve. No two-day-old child can discern right from wrong. Like so many young people, Adam and Eve just thought they were grown-up enough to make their own decisions.
Think of it this way. Again, like most children today, Adam and Eve chose not to listen to their Parent, God. Instead, they believed Satan's lie that they would not “surely die.” Once again, in so doing, they rejected the rule of the government of God in their lives. If Adam had obeyed God's instruction, he would have qualified to replace Satan and restore the government of God on earth.
Notice this New Testament evidence of how human nature is acquired, not inherited: “But I fear, lest by any means, as the serpent beguiled Eve through his subtlety, so your minds should be corrupted…” (II Cor. 11:2-3).
Paul was writing to people who lived 4,000 years after Adam and Eve. He recognized that the devil was still alive and active. The Corinthians were adults capable of being deceived (“beguiled”) in the same way as Eve, and Paul warned them to be on guard that they not return to following the ways of human nature. Just as Eve's nature was not evil and hostile to God (see Romans 8:7) before she was deceived, neither was the nature of the Corinthians after they were converted.
Once called and converted, having received the Spirit of God, one has put off the old human nature of his past life. Paul also added in Ephesians 2:3, “Among whom also we all had our conversation [conduct] in times past in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind; and were by nature the children of wrath, even as others.” These statements follow, and are actually part of, the passage identifying Satan as the “prince of the power of the air.”
Think for a moment. It would be grossly unfair of God to inject newborn babies with human nature and place them under His “wrath.” Do you see this point? Human nature is acquired—and this puts people under the wrath of God!
The following is the same scripture from the Phillips translation of the New Testament (1962 edition). It better describes how all people have acquired human nature from Satan—and the influence driving all modern social practices. The parenthetical portion is part of this translation: “You drifted along on the stream of this world's ideas of living, and obeyed its unseen ruler [Satan] (who is still operating in those who do not respond to the truth of God)…We all lived like that in the past, and followed the impulses and imaginations of our evil nature…like everyone else.”
How true! Most people simply drift along in life following whatever impulses and ideas (“imaginations”) strike them from moment to moment. All of Ephesians 1 is Paul's accounting to those brethren of their calling into God's way of life. Take time to read it, possibly using the Moffatt translation of the Bible. The Ephesians had come out of the course of this world and were no longer “by nature” the children of wrath and were no longer yielding to the “prince of the power of the air.” They had begun to “dis-acquire” human nature by yielding to God instead of the impulses, pulls and temptations of Satan's wavelength.
With the understanding of Satan the devil, society and self, one must realize the great danger we all face. Step back and recognize the pulls that have affected you throughout your life.
Realize that you live in a world completely devoid of the right way and therefore unable to produce happy, successful marriages. Realize that you have absorbed many ideals—and perspectives—of the world around you. These have conditioned you to assume the characteristics and values—the nature—of society. But, like the Corinthians, you can also dis-acquire the world's values.
Combining Satan and society with human nature creates a dangerous, explosive situation, especially in regard to dating. For those with eyes to see, the world has proven that it does not know the correct way—God's Way.
Are you now willing to examine the world's wrong form of dating from God's perspective?
Satan has counterfeited virtually all aspects of God's Way. Think for a moment. Everyone understands the crime of forgery. A forger's goal is to create a counterfeit that is indistinguishable from the original. For example, if one is going to make twenty-dollar bills, it would make no sense to produce forgeries that will not be accepted.
Consider. If you want to counterfeit Christianity, you would not offer Buddhism. You offer something that looks, feels and seems to be exactly like Christianity.
The Bible describes three forms of real—true—love. To confuse and trap the unsuspecting, the devil has produced counterfeits to these, which, among other things, form a faulty foundation for dating today.
Let's now closely examine one of the biggest counterfeits produced by the greatest “forger” of all time.
Various definitions and misconceptions about love abound. Some feel that it is devotion, others feel that it is sexual passion, and still others feel that it is affection. Then there are those who feel that it is adoration, or respect, or caring, or admiration or even warm feelings. Still others see it in poetic terms—or as a mystery that cannot be explained.
So then, what is love?
By looking at so many bad marriage results—separation, divorce, and the endless cycle of cohabitation for those who at one point thought they were “in love”—it is evident that the world simply does not understand true love. The problem is that so many initially felt that a relationship was right, when it was not. So many thought that they were in love, only to find out that their feelings were little more than “easy come, easy go.”
Society often bases its values on the opinions of the least-qualified voices—those of the entertainment industry. One such “voice,” Madonna, a famous pop icon, said, “The most important thing is to have love…that happens with a marriage, without a marriage, with a single parent, whatever.” What does this statement really say—other than give license for people to define love any way they wish?
Then there are those who want to hear what the “experts” say. Here is one example:
“What is love? Is it the same as lust? Tough question. There are many different kinds of love—romantic, parental, platonic. Mostly, love is feeling emotionally attached to another person. You want to be close to that person. You want to share things with her, understand her and have her understand you. You want to care for her and have her care for you. Romantic love usually comes with a strong physical or sexual attraction. You want to hold, touch and sometimes become sexual with that person.
“Lust is physical attraction. Lust can sometimes turn into love. Often, when two people are first getting together, they have a really strong physical connection. When two people fall in love, lust may fade over time but it is replaced with a deeper, more intimate emotional connection.
“When you're falling in love, it's often tough to tell the difference between the two. Usually, time tells.”
This definition certainly sounds nice. Everyone wants to be close, to share, to understand and to care for each other. All of this appeals to the listener or reader because many of these are good qualities. But the “experts” remain terribly confused about the exact definition of true love. As a result, they offer opinions that are a mix of right and wrong.
We see these explanations of “love” throughout society. For example, look at the scenarios in so-called “romantic comedies.” Many feel warm and happy when seeing typical “romance” between couples. No matter how skewed the Hollywood picture may be, it makes people dream of true love when the leading man tells the leading lady that he wants to be “close to her, understand her and care for her.”
This idea of love is a classic mixture of good and evil. Remember, Adam and Eve chose the knowledge of good and evil. The kind of good described in this way of life, however, is primarily selfish. People generally do good things because they expect something in return. In short, they give to get.
God's way of life is different—it is selfless!
Recognize that Satan's goal is to make his counterfeit seem right—feel right—seem and feel natural. However, close scrutiny will expose the counterfeit—the common misconceptions—and lead you to understand true love.
Many speak of finding “true love.” Though opinions abound as to what it is, virtually all people would say that they are seeking this. Sadly, many spend entire lifetimes looking for true love but never finding it. You have probably heard the question, “Is it love or infatuation?” The fact is that most do not understand the difference. Why? Society is missing the vital dimension of knowledge that would make it clear to them.
Do you understand what true love is? Or, are you willing to accept the fact that the world and your own nature have conditioned you to only think you do? Remember that what seems right can lead to disaster (Prov. 14:12; 16:25)!
The difference between true love and infatuation requires honest examination.
Let's begin with the definition of infatuation. It comes from the French word “fatuus,” meaning fool—or foolishness! Webster's Dictionary defines it as: “To make foolish; to affect with folly; to weaken the intellectual power of; or to deprive of sound judgment.”